What makes a marriage endure? As a husband-and-wife relationship-therapy
team, we've spent a lot of time thinking about this-not only for
others, but for ourselves as well. And, like most couples deeply in love, we longed to find ways to make our love endure even before we were married.
Part of our early inspiration came from the real-life love story of 1930s American author Sheldon Vanauken and his wife Davy, a pair who not only dreamed about building a soulful union, but devised an official strategy for doing so. They called it their Shining Barrier, described by Sheldon in his writings as "the shield of our love." Its goal: to make their love invulnerable. Its plan: to share everything. Everything! If one of them liked something, they decided, there must be something to like in it-and the other must find it. Whether it was poetry, strawberries, or an interest in ships, Sheldon and Davy committed to sharing it all. That way they would create a thousand strands, great and small, that would link them together.
By sharing everything, they reasoned, they would create a glue to hold their covenant of marriage together forever.
Well, as romantic and noble as that goal seemed, it became an impractical one for us. (And if you know the story of Sheldon and Davy, you know it ultimately did not work for them either.) Like most couples moving at the speed of life, we soon struggled to just keep abreast of one another's days. To keep our covenant strong, we realized eventually that we would need something far more practical to serve as the superglue of our connection. So we got back to that basic but profound question: What makes a marriage endure?
The answer most people give to this question typically involves something about love. But we've found the most helpful answers to be closer to the following:
1. Resolve to End the Priciest Marital Spat: The One Over Money
Allow us to say it straight: Money fights between couples are rarely about money. So if you want to minimize a currency conflict and build up your marriage in the process, trace it back to the fear that's fueling it. Instead of fighting over the amount of money that was spent on who-knows-what, shift the focus toward what really matters: 1.) your fear of not having influence in important issues impacting your life, 2.) your fear of not having security in your future, 3.) your fear of having no respect shown for your values, or 4.) your fear of not realizing your dreams. As you uncover what you're both really feeling about your money matters, you'll inevitably draw closer to getting on the same page.
2. Heat Up Your Sex Life-and Keep It Hot
To keep sexual grievances down and the marital bed springs bouncing, solve "coordination failure." It's a common problem in marriages and it fragments couples. The number-one reason people report not having sex in their marriage is "too tired," followed closely by "not in the mood." Most of the time, that's code, knowingly or not, for having mismatched libidos. So discuss your sex drives. And yes, as we write this, we can almost feel you cringing. For most couples, talking about sex is about as comfortable as sleeping in a car. Yet it's a conversation that's critically important to aligning your libidos and minimizing your conflicts. When the time is right-when both of you are relaxed and not distracted-ask each other to explain when you feel most frisky. Your answers may surprise you. A friend recently discovered that his wife found him sexiest when he wore a suit. He joked that he was thinking about wearing it to bed.
3. Find a Marriage Mentor
You're never too experienced to learn from the experience of others. "When people tell me they've learned from experience," investment guru Warren Buffet has said, "I tell them the trick is to learn from other people's experience." We couldn't agree more-especially when it comes to marriage. That's why most experts are bullish about having a seasoned, more experienced couple to speak into your relationship. They can point out what to expect on the road ahead. So why not ask a happy couple who has more experience than you to meet you every so often to see what you can learn? Their answers may inspire you in ways you never imagined.
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